Subscribe with Bloglines The Whatever File: 09/23/08


Learning to live alone again.

Learning to live alone again isn't easy but the hard part really is learning to live with yourself. You are in a relationship and you think, "I just can't live with this person anymore!" but then when you no longer live with them you still have to deal with the person you are.

I'm not saying I am or your are a bad person what I am saying is that once you are really alone, you still have your thoughts to deal with. Instead of someone else there to help you make decisions you have to make your own decisions. Instead of another person filling up your void, you are left with an empty space that your thoughts often occupy. Sometimes being alone with yourself can be painful but in time the reflection that you will have on your past, present, and the thoughts of where you want your future to go will tell you so much about yourself. You will also learn what it is to be lonely and even though loneliness is sometimes heart wrenching giving into the loneliness will only delay your path to a newer, more aware you. These are my thoughts, what I tell myself as I sit quietly by the pond. I fight the loneliness I feel with my thoughts of reassurance that all will work out for the best in time. I know that God is there watching over me and He always takes care of me. I get bored and I realize that there is more to life than sitting here by the pond or in front of my computer. I want more out of life! As I continue to get healthy, (though one might not know that for my recent bout of b12 deficiency) I long for something more meaningful. I want to do stuff, I want to find out what it is that makes me happy, I want to know that somehow, someway I can be of value to society. I want to live!

The funny thing is that it seems as I move one step forward I take two steps back. My recent tiredness over my b12 deficiency has reminded me so loudly that I am still not as healthy as I need to be...that horrible word, "disabled" still rings in my ears though I don't want to hear it. Yesterday the a/c went out on my truck and my first thought was, "what can I do about this? I'm just a woman." Then today the a/c froze up on the house so I had to turn it off and let it thaw...I don't know why these things are happening unless it's just the devil's way of making me feel insecure and trying to make me believe that I cannot take care of my life and that of my child. The truth is, I am poor, I have no money, and I have no knowledge of the workings of these things but I do know that we will be alright, we always have been, and we will continue to be in the future. As always I know and rely on the fact that my God will provide. He is constant and true.

Yes, learning to live alone is hard and becoming the person you need to be on your own is even harder but what we learn in the interim will guide us through all the dark storms and all the worries and in the end we will become stronger for it.