Subscribe with Bloglines The Whatever File: 10/13/06


Dear Diary.................

Dear Diary.................

Well as usual I don't have alot to tell dreamwise so I have decided that this is just going to be my whatever blog and if someone reads it then, "hey". I guess you can spend all your life dreaming if you want but its what goes on when we are awake that counts, the people around us, the places we've been, what we are about, and who we are...etc... I'm a sleeper, wish I wasn't but I am....I think I could sleep all day well not exactly not if you count the millions of time I get up just to go pee or because the bed isn't comfy enough. Not that I sleep all day or I am lazy, well of course I'm lazy but its the drugs....haha no not the street kind but the I'm a 42 year woman living in a 90 year old body that needs medication to keep me going...pass the geritol.

Even when I'm awake it seems like I'm in a dream where time has just flew passed me. Yesterday I was 17 and getting married, yesterday I was 21 and had my firstborn a boy now the same age I was when I had him, yesterday I was 31 as I held my tiny 9 month old baby girl who was so little at that age she looked like a doll, I held her and cried because in a few moments I would watch the doctors stroll her down the hallway for her first of 3 open heart surgeries... Yesterday I was. Where does the time go I ask myself? Last night I fell asleep with various pictures running through my mind of my children when they were babies so sweet, so young and gosh I barely remember things but I see those sweet faces and I remember that yesterday God chose me to raise them, though I was and still am not worthy and every day I fail but every day after that I get up and start all over again. Thank You God for intrusting me with such precious souls!

I'm not my mom I tell my now 12 year old daughter as we sit at the breakfast table this morning. No, I'm not her but who she is, is still a mystery to me, I know that she gave birth to me and life was full of "I love you's" and ice cream and when I grew up I had a relationship with her, she's my mom but sometimes I don't know that I really knew her. Maybe its because she died so suddenly almost 10 yrs. ago, maybe its that when someone dies you often realize how little we know about someone, even as close as a mother. My mom was a widow with 4 kids to raise working a factory job to make ends meet, I always called her my "weekend mom" because its the only time I saw her because she worked 2nd shift. When I got up to go to school mom was asleep, when I got home she was gone to work, when I was asleep she came home. I'm not her but she still taught me alot, she helped to shape the person I would be. I had a list of things I would not be to my children when I grew up not because she was a bad mom but just because I didn't want to do things the way she did. This is why I sit at the breakfast table with my daughter. I'm not a "weekend mom".

"I love you's" and ice cream..... These were the most important things growing up, we were poor but we had love in our family and every Friday when mom got paid she'd bring us ice cream home as a treat. As you can imagine and you already know if you know me, I'm fat now.... Thanks mom, I love you too.... hahaha no, no just joking well not really I am fat and I do love my mom but I don't mean that sarcastically, it's just funny I guess. Mom always had a problem with my volupuous body, she always "cautioned" me that I would be so pretty if I'd just loose weight of course I never listened because my ears were frozen from eating all that ice cream but hey we had love.....sigh.... now understand I am not being sarcastic again just being my silly self. I love my mother dearly and I miss her with every inch of my heart and everyday I think of her and have my little "what would mom do" moments but mom is not me and I think she must have had such a hard life, I think my grandmother must have been an unloving mother and from what I know of my mom's life growing up life must have been hard. My mom was not her mother either she made sure we all had love. I guess grandmother didn't have ice cream.

My daughter and I are very close, we have a good relationship.....we know who each other is. We've been through hell together her and I. She with her heart surgeries and school struggles, me with my relationship problems and sicknesses, we don't hide things from each other. There have been times when I held her and she cried through her pain and there have been times when she held me and I cried through my pain.....everyday is full of "I love you's" with ice cream optional but seldom. Ice cream melts but hugs seem to last mom was a hugger, I am too, my daughter shares this trait with both of us.

To be continued......