Subscribe with Bloglines The Whatever File: 2008


Almost a new year!

I find it interesting and amazing to read my previous posts and see how life has unfolded in such a short amount of time. Bobby and I have not lived together now for over 8 mos. and as can be expected I have filed for divorce which should be final soon. Those months gave me a lot of time to reflect on my life, marriage, and what I wanted for myself and for Sierra. I spent alot of time early on grieving the end of the marriage even before I was ready to admit to him that it was over. I am in a healthy place mentally, I am happy with this decision and realize that there was no way we could have made the marriage work coming from two very different religious beliefs. In my life, God must come first and in his life God is not a priority at all. I do pray that God will use someone to show him what it is he is missing and that one day he will accept Jesus in his life, otherwise I cannot imagine how horrible his life will be. I also hope he finds the happiness he deserves.

Because of the sensitiveness of divorce I have been hesitant to speak about or even write about how my life has changed. In a short amount of time, I have met someone, a Godly man who shares the same love and passion for Christ that I do. We have a Christ-centered life as it should be and I enjoy attending church with him, doing a bible study, or just reading Oswald Chambers together. He is an amazing man and I know where my future is going with him. How can love happen so quickly? It's like we both lived a whole other life just waiting until God picked the perfect time to bring us together. While I don't know God's will I do feel, He has a plan to use me and I don't feel useless in His Kingdom any longer where before I did. Where before I seemed to be blindly following the winds of life and where it might take me, now I feel that God has a ministry planned for me, with Chris. I run towards this change in my life feeling the excitement of the hopes of finally being used by God.

And here is the rest of it.


Learning to live alone again.

Learning to live alone again isn't easy but the hard part really is learning to live with yourself. You are in a relationship and you think, "I just can't live with this person anymore!" but then when you no longer live with them you still have to deal with the person you are.

I'm not saying I am or your are a bad person what I am saying is that once you are really alone, you still have your thoughts to deal with. Instead of someone else there to help you make decisions you have to make your own decisions. Instead of another person filling up your void, you are left with an empty space that your thoughts often occupy. Sometimes being alone with yourself can be painful but in time the reflection that you will have on your past, present, and the thoughts of where you want your future to go will tell you so much about yourself. You will also learn what it is to be lonely and even though loneliness is sometimes heart wrenching giving into the loneliness will only delay your path to a newer, more aware you. These are my thoughts, what I tell myself as I sit quietly by the pond. I fight the loneliness I feel with my thoughts of reassurance that all will work out for the best in time. I know that God is there watching over me and He always takes care of me. I get bored and I realize that there is more to life than sitting here by the pond or in front of my computer. I want more out of life! As I continue to get healthy, (though one might not know that for my recent bout of b12 deficiency) I long for something more meaningful. I want to do stuff, I want to find out what it is that makes me happy, I want to know that somehow, someway I can be of value to society. I want to live!

The funny thing is that it seems as I move one step forward I take two steps back. My recent tiredness over my b12 deficiency has reminded me so loudly that I am still not as healthy as I need to be...that horrible word, "disabled" still rings in my ears though I don't want to hear it. Yesterday the a/c went out on my truck and my first thought was, "what can I do about this? I'm just a woman." Then today the a/c froze up on the house so I had to turn it off and let it thaw...I don't know why these things are happening unless it's just the devil's way of making me feel insecure and trying to make me believe that I cannot take care of my life and that of my child. The truth is, I am poor, I have no money, and I have no knowledge of the workings of these things but I do know that we will be alright, we always have been, and we will continue to be in the future. As always I know and rely on the fact that my God will provide. He is constant and true.

Yes, learning to live alone is hard and becoming the person you need to be on your own is even harder but what we learn in the interim will guide us through all the dark storms and all the worries and in the end we will become stronger for it.


Daily ramblings

As life would have it I am now living the hair disaster. If you don't know what I mean be sure to check out this video:
Now to be honest I couldn't take the pain and suffering of a whole week with my hair looking multi-colored so I did dye it again. It is at least one color

I just got back from my 4 mile walk and did my 60 crunches so I am off to take a shower in a bit but I just felt the need to write some. I got on the scale last night and weighed in at 183 lbs. YEAH! that is a total loss of 129 lbs. for me so far and I am estactic. Now I have to admit I got on the scales today and I weighed in at 186 lbs.....awe such is life or my life anyway. See I tend to do that I will lose and then I will flip flop for about 3 wks. between 2 weights my former weight and my new weight and then I will see a new weight and the cycle will start all over again, interesting huh? Walking on Sundays is not good in the country because nobody is at work, daggone it the whole way there was nothing but cars interrupting my path and frustrating! So last night was a blue night for me, I sat down and filled out the legal separation papers that Bobby and I have discussed. How is it you can take 6 yrs. of marriage and break it down so easily into 3 pages of neat, typed court documents that are so impersonal? This is something that I will never understand since marriage and life for that matter is such a personal thing. Even worse yet is that I haven't told him that I got the paperwork together even though he is the one who said we needed to do this. Life is an interesting turn of events to say the least. I admit I am terrible at dragging my feet not willing to hurt someone else even at the sake of my own hurt. The truth is though, we are two different people on separate paths that no longer intertwine, we want different things out of life, things that the other cannot or will not provide or participate in. It's really sad you know?

Well guess that is all I have to say for now, Ike is beginning to push lots of wind our way and I want to get my shower over before it begins to rain so I guess I will put an end to this for now. You all have a wonderful day.

Peace out!


Love is a choice - A letter to a friend

I’m a deep thinker, I have conversations in my head about what I think is right or wrong or the way things should be. I think about people and their actions and wonder why they do the things they do, what is their motivation for doing this or that. I consider others words and compare them with what their body is saying because our bodies speak a language all its own and sometimes what we say isn’t truly what we feel. Sometimes someone’s words will affect me so deeply that I will think about everything they’ve said and I find myself analyzing them, hoping against hope that they are doing what is in their best interest. It’s funny that I can totally screw up my whole life but then worry so much about the actions someone may be taking in their own lives when I am not so sure it is in their best interest. The truth is I really don’t know what in anyone’s best interest least of all my own but in my heart I don’t want to see anyone make the same mistakes I have.

Most of you will read this and say, “what the heck is she talking about now?” lol Those of you who know me, know that I tend to ramble aimlessly so just disregard this as I am really just speaking to one person and they know who they are. This is for someone who will talk to anyone in hopes that they will answer the questions they are so desperately seeking. When we are constantly questioning things and keep asking the same questions over and over again but of different people it is because we don’t want to rely on what our own answer to the questions are. Sometimes we just want to want something and even if it’s not exactly what we want we will settle rather than having to stop now and start over again.

So we keep hearing that love is a choice and yes even I have said the same….love IS a choice, it really is. Consider this;

In the beginning love is all consuming but in reality love is a choice we make once the flames begin to die down.

Love doesn’t begin as a choice and if it does then we must really be screwed up to look at it that way.

Love sustains life - Love is what gets us through when everything else seems to fail around us.

Love becomes a choice when it would be easier to walk away or when the rose colored glasses break and we see the reality of what life is truly like.

Choosing to love means that regardless of person or thing that we will act in a manor of love. Acting in a manor of love means that even if we hate something, we choose instead to respond not in kind but in love knowing that to do so, makes “US” better people.

The reason we choose to love is because we are not God and we cannot love unconditionally like God does. God is love and the best we can hope for is to be Christ-like but in truth we still live in a human body and no matter how hard we try we will fail because to succeed would mean that we never needed a Savior to begin with. Jesus died on the cross because no matter how hard we try we remain in a human body unable to help ourselves from our own corruption. Accepting Jesus means that we realize that no matter what, we will always remain corrupt but through Him, God can see us as perfected. BUT we are still man and we still sin and we still live in human form and will continue to be this sinner until Jesus returns to take us home. No matter what we choose in life we still will remain this person who cannot be perfect in God’s eyes, the only difference is that “Jesus” overshadows us in Heaven so God can no longer see our sinful selves. In simple terms, you can continue to “work” hard at washing the dirt from your skin but tomorrow it will be back again so instead of “working” to wash it off, why not rest in knowing that you have chosen to cover the dirt with the cloth of Jesus? Why do people continue to punish themselves when they have already been forgiven? Why make yourself follow all these rules and then beat yourself up when you fail not realizing that Jesus took the rules to the cross with Him so that you don’t have to beat yourself up every day when you fail to live according to something you were not perfected for to begin with? Jesus is freedom from sin, freedom from rules!!

Ok, so I got off on a tangent there and didn’t mean to do that…so are you still with me at this point? Now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Love, or rather – choosing to love. I think I’m ADHD so you will have to bear with me because I just get all confused with all these thoughts, I mean you’d think that I’d have a head the size of Texas with all these thoughts getting lost swarming around in here but there is a point to this or a method to my madness…hehe

The more I have thought about this and I have, I have thought about this every day since we first talked about it, I realize that maybe I don’t agree with this idea that love is a choice. Yes, I can say that love is a choice but heck I’ve been married for awhile now and staying in love is a choice, we really do have to choose to love whenever everything else is crazy because sometimes it’s hard to love someone after the newness wears off. Yes, the newness will wear off so realize that now.

But at first, should there ever be in your mind a decision to love someone? I don’t think so. I mean you just know… there is a passion and a desire when you are in love, you wake up thinking about the object of your desire and you can’t wait to see them each day. Their nearness causes you to feel breathless; I mean they literally have the ability to almost take your breath away. They are the first person you want to share your good news with, the last person you ever want to hurt, they are the person who you can sit with and be content without saying nothing at all, when you are around other people you immediately find some trait no matter how minute that is similar to that person and it makes you feel good about the person you love. You compare everything and everyone to that person and know just how lucky you are, you are so in tune with that person that even when your alone, you are still together in mind because it’s not just about “you” anymore but it’s about “us”, you are not attracted to others and if you are it is only in the sense that they totally remind you of the person you are in love with but you immediately recognize this and smile at the thought of the one that you love, you don’t doubt it, question it, or run from it, you run towards it knowing that this is what is right for you. You realize that you are willing to compromise for this person and you can take much more than you ever thought you could but you also realize that the compromises you make do not alter the morals and values you have but enhance them, and together you both become better people. You also learn that what your fairytale thoughts of love were are not always true and that we each must come together in love to form one person with the extension of two lives and learn to blend them together.

I just want to say that the choice to love also has to do with accepting each person for their imperfect self. You cannot expect your fairytale of what love and life should be to mold with someone else’s expectation especially when there are other variables involved. Take kids for instance….you fall in love with someone who has kids and this changes everything, no matter where you think your place in this equation should be you have got to understand that kids come first. If the person you love loves you more than their children what kind of person do you think they are? Would you want someone to love you more than they love themselves? Look at the world around us, is there not someone you know who is in an abusive relationship because they don’t love themselves? Haven’t you ever thought that if they loved themselves just a little more then they wouldn’t or couldn’t allow this person to abuse them? What if they allowed this person to hurt their children, would you have respect for them?

You cannot truly love another person until you learn to accept yourself and love yourself for the person God made you to be. You also cannot be happy with someone else until you learn to be happy with yourself so if you are tired of being alone then how do you expect someone to be with you if even you don’t want to be with yourself? I know maybe that doesn’t make sense but think about it. If you love yourself then you know what it is to love yourself enough to know you don’t have to be number 1 all the time. Love God first, then yourself, then someone else but remember that God said to love the little children too. I am not saying that a person should put their children above everything else I am just saying that a person who made a commitment and brought a child into this world should be ready to lay their life down for that child, should be willing to protect that child at all costs, and should put their child’s needs above their own or anyone else’s. I am not saying idolize the children, I am saying take care of what God has given you….God gave a person this life and it is that person’s responsibility to care for and raise that life until they are old enough to take care of themselves and that is their purpose in life.

I don’t know if you can make sense of any of this. Please know that I am not saying you are making a mistake I am just saying that you have to look at everything and know what it is within your heart, your answers have got to come from you. The minute we decide to include another person into our lives and we make an official commitment to that person we will forever change that person’s life by our decisions. If our decisions are selfish or unrealistic then in the end not only will we hurt ourselves but the person or persons who we made the commitment to. I do want to say that in the last couple times I have seen you, you seem more content and at ease with your decision and since we have not talked about this much lately you may have already found the answers within yourself. I also want to say that I can look back over my own life and say to you that I wish I had not done this or I could have done that differently. The truth is everything in my life lead up to something else and if each event had not occurred then the next one may not have happened either so how can I say I wish I had changed this when what was good may not have happened if I had? Life is about taking chances and if we sit on the sidelines of life questioning our options one day we may look back and realize that life passed us by because we never took the chance to get involved. So maybe you just need to stop asking questions and live life…I think you deserve to do that now, you have sat on the sidelines long enough don’t ya think?????

Dear Reader, if you are still with me at this point even though you know this message was not meant for you I hope that something I said will help you in your journey through life. I hope that if you disagree with anything I say here you will post a comment because I am always open to seeing things from another’s perspective. I also want to say that I don’t think I know everything or anything for that matter, I’m just a thinker and sometimes I feel led to put my thoughts to words, maybe for myself or maybe because they may help someone someday. I totally welcome your comments and thank you for reading my blog. To the person I wrote this to: No one knows who you are or why I am writing this, I know lots of people all over the world so the only reason you even know it is to you is because I am telling you beforehand where to find this. I wrote this here because I didn’t want to type a letter to you for someone else to get a hold of and worry about. I don’t ever, ever want to hurt another person intentionally or unintentionally. I only wish the best life has to offer for you both. I know that God will bless you in your decision and if you will follow His lead and understand that Jesus already did the work for you, you will live a life full of blessings in the knowledge that you don’t have to make it about works to gain entrance to Heaven but just love as you have been loved.

Peace out


Sierra's Back Pictures

My daughter had 2 spine surgeries recently to fix her scoliosis and she is doing's still a long recovery but each day I see improvements. I wanted to share with you all the side by side pictures of her spine before and after for comparison.

This first one is her back before surgery and then one after.

Big difference huh? Of course she has lost about 20lbs. since the first pic was taken but look at the shoulders, she actually has shoulders. And she has the v look instead of the curved, pinched look now.

These next ones are xrays before and after:

This last one is just a picture of the scar she has on the side. They went in through her front side to take out a rib and a disc and then the following week they went in through her back to do the big surgery. This is why she had two surgeries.


A wonderful Gift

As many of you know I am on Youtube where I have met so many wondeful people. One of the people is an awesome singer and her band, PedroBand, has a CD out which I have. Sierra loves the cd so much that she borrowed it and I can't seem to get it back from Anyway, Taunia the friend from Youtube, took the time to record a video on youtube of a song she dedicated to Sierra, actually I feel gifted from this as well. She is an amazing talent and the song nearly brought me to tears which is amazing since I don't cry much!

Taunia had just had surgery herself a few days ago so this was a very special treat. Here is the video:

If you'd like to hear more of her work you can go to this website:


Finally a date for Sierra's Surgery

Well we officially have a date for surgery. She will be having 2 surgeries instead of one because her back is so curved to one side they will need to go into the front and then again into her back to put the rod in her back. She will be having the first surgery on April 28th and the 2nd one will be on May 5th. Due to the length between surgeries she will probably be in the hospital for 2 weeks or longer and she will be at Kosair.

She went to Dr. Boone's(cardiologist) office today to do a check up prior to surgery and he said her heart was doing great so this is one last thing to think about. She also got her braces off today which was the highlight of her day! This isn't something I want to see happen, I wish I could change it somehow take it all away so she never had to go through surgery again but its not in my hands but in God's. I am terrified but yet I know that God has always taken care of her.....somehow we will get through this. It's a time such as this that I find myself taking stock of my life and praying that what terrible things I have done He will forgive me for so that it doesn't cause her to have a bad time of it. Yet, I also know that it doesn't work that way and I guess my wrongs don't cause her life to be in turmoil but I am only human and cannot help think that way!

She is very adamant about her desire to go down to our future home and stay during her recovery...actually it wouldn't be just for her recovery I would imagine her and I would just go ahead and move but I fear being so far away from Kosair so I dunno what to do. I cannot see her going down there until she is at least on the mend but we will just wait and see. Of course this means she has less than 3 wks left of school now so she is always excited to get out of school..haha

Well that's it for now I will write more later. Take care! Kellie


Time seems to always being flying by!

I am such a slacker! I need to update this more but I seem to have too many projects going at once and never enough time to tend to them all....somewhere something is always getting left out of the loop as is the case with my blog.

So what's been up? I've been spending alot of time on my youtube videos for one thing, I also started another blog which seems to be woefully lacking in my attention, and then of course theres life. Life is good I'd say. Lucy is almost 2 months old and doing great and her parents have decided to make it official. On Saturday March 15, 2008 John Daniel and Tori will be getting married in a very small ceremony. I know they wanted to do it big but now isn't the time and they felt like it was more important to get married instead...I agree. It's hard to believe that my son is old enough to get married, let alone have a child but he is. He recently found him a good job and I hope that he truly loves it. They are good parents and I am so proud of both of them. I am not the best of granny so far as I have been sick and not spent much time with Lucy. I need to take her for a day and give them some alone time but my gosh it's been so long since I took care of a babykins that I worry about that.

Sierra goes to her spine doctor next week and we plan on him setting a date for surgery for April. She has to get it done now so that she won't be starting in a new school next year late...I don't want that for her because it makes it harder to start off late in the year in a new school. She has been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and has lost 2 additional pounds for a total of 12lbs. gone so far. She is beginning to have a shapely figure and is happy with that. The therapy will help to make the rest of her muscles stronger while she will not be able to rely on her back muscles during recovery. I know that this is something she doesn't want to go through but I am very proud of her for stepping up to the plate and being strong about all that she will have to endure. She is a very strong girl.

I am at a total lose of 66 lbs. now and my body is really beginning to show the lose, my skin is saggy and my boobs are getting pretty flat...thank God for plastic surgery cuz I am going to need it when I am all done:) I'm still struggling with my food and sometimes I still think I have a stricture but I am not sure. I was suppose to go to the doctor yesterday but I didn't make it. One thing that is crazy is my sleep pattern, I tend to sleep for a couple hours and then pull an all's not that I want to but it's that I can't seem to sleep even with medicinal help.

Jeff and Todd will be 19 yrs. old on Friday and Sue will have a birthday on Saturday, the same day the kids are getting married. We are planning on getting Todd and spending a couple days with him, we have not had him since December so it will be good to have him home. Jeff and Cody broke up so he is single again and needs to find a hobby...gosh we love him but it has taken a toll on us and our alone time, I miss my time with Bobby and we are in a time where we really need to focus on our relationship because of all the changes and stress we have been under. Come July I will be in Bardstown full time and he will be in Louisville full time finishing up the house getting it ready to rent out so its crucial for us to devote some time to ourselves as the following months will be so difficult.

Well I guess that is it for now, I am making a new dish so I need to go finish it up. Please be sure to check out my new blog.... and also check out my 50 videos I have on youtube as well I have some pretty silly stuff up there...I guess my silly side is beginning to show now that I am not so worried about what people will think of this fat girl being silly.

Peace Out!



What NOT to name your furniture store (PIC)

In Korea you can see some strange signs, and this is one of the funniest I've seen. My guess is that they just pulled something random off of an Internet search engine that somehow related to wood furniture.

read more | digg story


More Pictures

I'm still working on the videos but I did manage to get some more pics to share. I hope you enjoy!


I'm officially a grandma!

My son and his fiancee welcomed their first child into the world tonight at 7:27pm. We have a beautiful baby girl who weighs 7lbs. 10ozs. and is 18 1/2 inches long. Momma, daddy and baby girl are all doing wonderful. Tori, my son's fiancee did wonderfully, she looked great and you would have never imagined that she would have just had a baby. The both did a great job today and I am very proud of them! John Daniel is staying at the hospital with them until they come home.

I took alot of video and made a couple pics from the video to share with ya. Here's the first one:
This is me holding the baby.

I actually got her to laugh in this one:

Well that's about it since it's late and I need to head to bed. Have a great one!

Peace out!


Figuring it all out....Finally!

As you can see if you've read my blog I did finally figure out how to make my sections solid instead of transparent....YaY Me! HTML is not so bad once you get use to looking at it. So what I have done is made a page of tips for blogger on how to minipulate your blog to look like you want it too. Just click on the following link and it will get you there:


It is still a work in progress and I will update it when I learn more stuff. Hey, it's not so bad for a blonde headed girl;)

Peace Out!


Sprucing up my blog!

Well I am finally taking the time to put some much needed effort into what my blog looks like. Out is the tired old background that everyone else has on blogger and in is a new cutie looking background. My question is though, can you read it? Is it to busy? While I love the background I am not so sure it is readable so please post your comment and let me know!!


Very late in posting

Well I got to thinking I hadn't updated this at all since the day before my surgery so I thought I would update it. I had my surgery on Dec. 18th and other than the fact that they had to resusitate me the first night I did just fine. I have had a difficult time keeping my food down now that I am on solids so I am going to start back on soft foods again tomorrow to see if that helps. Thus far I have lost 38 lbs. and have lost several inches in various places. Sierra had decided that when I had the surgery she too would start watching what she ate and she has lost 8 lbs.!

Sierra will be beginning strengthening therapy soon to get her prepared for surgery. We expect she will have surgery in late April or early May so that she can heal during the summer months. She is in alot of pain but that doesn't keep her from giving everyone a smile, a hug, and enjoying fun times with each other. I am very proud of her.

Tori, John Daniel's fiancee still hasn't had the baby yet but the doctor said it could be any time now. We are all excited and looking forward to our first grandchild. The kids are excited too and Tori is ready to get this little girl out of her!

We will finally be moving at the end of July and we couldn't be happier about it. The hard part though is trying to get this house in some shape in order to sell it and this will take alot of time since we don't have the extra money to invest in fixing it up further.

Well I am off to bed now, I have been so sick that all I want to do is sleep so I don't feel the pain. God Bless!