Subscribe with Bloglines The Whatever File: 08/23/07


confession time

I was writing an email to a friend I have met on a weight loss board I am on and it got me to thinking how I have prisoned myself off from everyone. It seems like the fatter I get and the sicker I become I close myself off. I feel bad that all the friends I use to have I don't really have anymore because I don't keep in touch because I don't want them to see me this way. Its a sad thing to realize that I have done this, I have pushed everyone away from me and this once vibrant woman spent 9 days in a hospital with only her family to visit her.

So I wonder when I die would there be anyone at my funeral? Or would my family look around and feel sorry for me knowing that I have sheltered myself so much so that no one cares about me anymore save for them? The sad part is I can remember when I was much younger how sad I felt for my mom and stepdad that they didn't have friends to hang out with, friends who came over to play cards, friends who called just to see how they were doing...etc... And yet here I am now. I think this sheltering didn't start with my fat but after my marriage to the child molestor, nobody liked him so I stopped seeing my friends and then even if I wanted to see my friends I would never have left him alone because in the back of my mind I knew while I was out he'd be cheating on me because that is what he did. Then after we seperated I didn't want people to see how mentally unstable I was because of what he did, I didn't want people to feel sorry for us either so back into my little corner I went afraid, afraid of what? I dunno. Then I got fatter and fatter and I became sick and I have been so sick for so long, then there was just nothing interesting about me....what could I even talk about or bring to a friendship? Talk about my sicknesses? Talk about being disabled and sitting around the house all day? I mean really what did I have to offer? Nothing thats what!

I know that Theresa who is still my friend who loves me enough to enjoy our little email friendship knowing that is all I have to offer well especially since she lives in Virginia...hehe I know she will holler at me for writing this but it is true and if I don't say it then all I am doing is hiding, at least if I say it...its out there in black and white and maybe seeing it will make me become a different or better all starts with a step doesn't it? Well, I guess this is my first step.