Subscribe with Bloglines The Whatever File: 11/24/05


Dear Diary.................

Well, its Thanksgiving and I realize after getting a sitemeter thing in email I hadn't written anything for a long time. Its not that I have stopped having dreams because I still do but I guess I just forget to write them down.

The last dream that sticks in my mind would have to be about the one about my ex husband, Harrison. In the dream all I can really remember is we had started seeing each other again I think. I remember I felt real uneasy throughout the dream. It seems to me like we had bought a house together and somehow Bobby was still apart of my life at this time. I remember my ex telling me that I had to break it off with him and I remember feeling horrible about this and sad since I love my Bobby so much. Finally, the ex gets mad at me and tells me, Kellie, just tell him that its ok for him to go to a strip joint and he will find someone there and forget all about you. At this point I started crying, and said but I don't want to, I love him and I woke up.

I know it sounds like a silly dream but what a nightmare!! For one thing I would never, ever, ever end a relationship with my husband for my ex! It does make sense what he said though, my ex would think like that since he had a thing about venturing into strip joints.

I thought about this dream alot and how much my life has changed between the two men and I am so thankful. The life I spent with my ex was horrible, dreadfully horrible and even if someone paid me lots and lots of money to go back and live that portion of my life or to live my life with him again ever I wouldn't take it, not for all the money in the world. I could say lots of stuff about the year and a half I was with my ex and what kind of person he was but all I will say at this time is that I had no self esteem for myself whatsoever, I did not love me at all. I remember a time wanting the world to stop just so I could get off because of the terrible life I lived in but ya know, once you hit bottom all ya have to do is look up and if you will just reach out your hand God will pull you up and that's what he did for me. Girls, no man is worth your self esteem, no man is worth loving so much that you forget to love yourself. He is not worth your life, your children, your respect, and even if you love him so much that you don't care about those things he's not going to care either.
Gosh I guess I'm rambling I guess I'll just finish with what I am thankful for.

I'm thankful that when I was done putting my life through hell that God picked me up even though I wasn't worth it. I'm thankful that the bad times do pass and yesterday is gone forever, and I'm thankful that I have my children, my life, my self respect, and I love myself now almost as much as I love my husband, Bobby who I am most thankful to have in my life!!

Happy Thanksgiving!