Subscribe with Bloglines The Whatever File: 02/20/07


So I'm offcially older than dirt!

Well, it's after midnight on February 20th so I guess this means it's officially my birthday. I'm 43 yrs. old today and I feel like I am 90 sometimes;)

Things are beginning to return to normal in this family. My sister, Gayle is back working though it is hard I hear... I need to call her.(I love you even when I don't call!) The kids seem to be doing well as does Sue and Stacy since Lucille's passing. My sister in law, Shautana has gone in for some testing. She has seizures and they are beginning testing on her to see if she can qualify for some surgery that is suppose to relieve her of her seizures. Please pray for her! (I'm keeping you in my prayers, Shautana and I love you!) My sister, Sheila and her husband, Michael celebrated 20 years of being together on Valentine's day.... It's a long time! They met on Valentine's Day. She called me this week.... she always calls us to check in she is much better about it than I am.(I love you too, Sis)

As far as the homefront nothing really exciting to report except it seems I have my days and nights confused. I've been on these daggone pain killers and antibotics now for almost a week and all I want to do is sleep. Of course this is my natural state but it sure seems more so than usual.

The reason I am on antibotics is like normal I'm having my monthly or bi-monthly *depending on my body* kidney infection. This one got me good I have to admit but hopefully we will know what the problem is before too long. I finally went to the kidney doctor who is in his words, "very worried" and wants to run all sorts of test which in my words, "will cost me a fortune" but hey, it is necessary. My beloved went in too so we are having "couples" testing next hmmmm.... the family that goes to the kidney doctor together, stays together? Is that how it works? Well for us it did(and will with the tests coming up) and of all things we did this on Valentine's day. Nothing more special than taking your sweetie to the kidney doctor for his first prostate exam on sweethearts day now is there? Let me tell ya, I wasn't feeling the love since he ran me out of the room when the doctor came in! Of course I'm sure he wasn't feeling the love either right at that moment. The things we must go through when we hit middle age....sigh....

Well, I did find out some interesting info recently.... I talked to my friend, Brian who I use to work with at Providian. He was on yahoo so I im'd him since I hadn't talked to him in so long. It was nice to chat with him and catch up on his life, he sounds like he is doing well and I am happy for him. He told me that my friend, Theresa, who is the sweet blonde girl that helped me at my wedding, left her husband and now lives in another state. I feel just horrible that I didn't know this first hand but of course I am not your "keep in touch" type of friend so I didn't know. He did tell me she was on so I am hoping to connect with her soon.

I'm just a terrible friend, I don't keep in contact with people well and ya know its all me and I just don't understand I use to make and keep friends easily. How do I get past this antisocial thing? I hate it, I hate being a social phobic! At Lucille's funeral I felt at home and like my old self again, Kathy, my best friend was there, and her hubby Bobby, and Connie and all these people who were my life...divorce kills relationships...not just the marriage relationship.... Anyway, it was wonderful being able to sit and talk with these people and laugh and have a good time, I just didn't want it to end. I have missed Kathy so much, we've been through a lifetime together but its been a lifetime ago. I really didn't mean to divorce my friends when I divorced my ex but then I married again and it was such a horrible marriage....I lost everybody then not just myself and I think I built this wall around me so nobody could ever get in...though Bobby did and I don't even know how honestly. Maybe where my friends were concerned, maybe I was embarrassed because I had made such a huge mistake when I remarried and I didn't want anyone to pity me, or worse yet blame me for the bad things that happened in that marriage...I guess I figured I had blamed myself enough for everyone and I couldn't handle any more post judgement. Of course that is a whole new story or even one I may have posted already I honestly cannot remember.

So how do I change? How do I turn everything around? How do I find a balance? How do I become a friend again and let others back in? Life is passing me by, this wonderful life that God has blessed me so with, how can I let it just pass me by or worse yet, how cant I stop sleeping through it? Will someone please tell me?