Subscribe with Bloglines The Whatever File: September 2008


Learning to live alone again.

Learning to live alone again isn't easy but the hard part really is learning to live with yourself. You are in a relationship and you think, "I just can't live with this person anymore!" but then when you no longer live with them you still have to deal with the person you are.

I'm not saying I am or your are a bad person what I am saying is that once you are really alone, you still have your thoughts to deal with. Instead of someone else there to help you make decisions you have to make your own decisions. Instead of another person filling up your void, you are left with an empty space that your thoughts often occupy. Sometimes being alone with yourself can be painful but in time the reflection that you will have on your past, present, and the thoughts of where you want your future to go will tell you so much about yourself. You will also learn what it is to be lonely and even though loneliness is sometimes heart wrenching giving into the loneliness will only delay your path to a newer, more aware you. These are my thoughts, what I tell myself as I sit quietly by the pond. I fight the loneliness I feel with my thoughts of reassurance that all will work out for the best in time. I know that God is there watching over me and He always takes care of me. I get bored and I realize that there is more to life than sitting here by the pond or in front of my computer. I want more out of life! As I continue to get healthy, (though one might not know that for my recent bout of b12 deficiency) I long for something more meaningful. I want to do stuff, I want to find out what it is that makes me happy, I want to know that somehow, someway I can be of value to society. I want to live!

The funny thing is that it seems as I move one step forward I take two steps back. My recent tiredness over my b12 deficiency has reminded me so loudly that I am still not as healthy as I need to be...that horrible word, "disabled" still rings in my ears though I don't want to hear it. Yesterday the a/c went out on my truck and my first thought was, "what can I do about this? I'm just a woman." Then today the a/c froze up on the house so I had to turn it off and let it thaw...I don't know why these things are happening unless it's just the devil's way of making me feel insecure and trying to make me believe that I cannot take care of my life and that of my child. The truth is, I am poor, I have no money, and I have no knowledge of the workings of these things but I do know that we will be alright, we always have been, and we will continue to be in the future. As always I know and rely on the fact that my God will provide. He is constant and true.

Yes, learning to live alone is hard and becoming the person you need to be on your own is even harder but what we learn in the interim will guide us through all the dark storms and all the worries and in the end we will become stronger for it.


Daily ramblings

As life would have it I am now living the hair disaster. If you don't know what I mean be sure to check out this video:
Now to be honest I couldn't take the pain and suffering of a whole week with my hair looking multi-colored so I did dye it again. It is at least one color

I just got back from my 4 mile walk and did my 60 crunches so I am off to take a shower in a bit but I just felt the need to write some. I got on the scale last night and weighed in at 183 lbs. YEAH! that is a total loss of 129 lbs. for me so far and I am estactic. Now I have to admit I got on the scales today and I weighed in at 186 lbs.....awe such is life or my life anyway. See I tend to do that I will lose and then I will flip flop for about 3 wks. between 2 weights my former weight and my new weight and then I will see a new weight and the cycle will start all over again, interesting huh? Walking on Sundays is not good in the country because nobody is at work, daggone it the whole way there was nothing but cars interrupting my path and frustrating! So last night was a blue night for me, I sat down and filled out the legal separation papers that Bobby and I have discussed. How is it you can take 6 yrs. of marriage and break it down so easily into 3 pages of neat, typed court documents that are so impersonal? This is something that I will never understand since marriage and life for that matter is such a personal thing. Even worse yet is that I haven't told him that I got the paperwork together even though he is the one who said we needed to do this. Life is an interesting turn of events to say the least. I admit I am terrible at dragging my feet not willing to hurt someone else even at the sake of my own hurt. The truth is though, we are two different people on separate paths that no longer intertwine, we want different things out of life, things that the other cannot or will not provide or participate in. It's really sad you know?

Well guess that is all I have to say for now, Ike is beginning to push lots of wind our way and I want to get my shower over before it begins to rain so I guess I will put an end to this for now. You all have a wonderful day.

Peace out!