Surgery Cancelled and Rescheduled..

I had hoped the next time I wrote here to be home from surgery but it was rescheduled. I won't go into detail since nobody reads my blog but me and I already know what happened. It's been rescheduled for Tuesday, Dec. 18th.

So here I sit knowing I need to be in bed but not wanting to go because I need to catch up on so many things on this dern computer. I have noticed ever since I was in the hospital in August that I have been azmatic much more when before I let my inhalers expire unused for lack of need now I am using them all the time. It seems that life is going down hill for me....I truly believe that God used my illness when I was in the hospital in June to show me that I needed to act if I were going to live another year. Once I found out I could have the gastric bypass I have pushed and pushed my way through any obstical or staff member who tried to slow down my progress. It is like walking a tightrope knowing you could fall at anytime but yet you got your eye on the platform struggling ever so slowly hoping that the tightrope won't fail you now.

I'm about to step on the platform though I have to walk the most perilous part of the tightrope but lucky for me God has my back and I know that He will see me through this. God is so good, He brings me through so many dangers. I can just imagine my day in heaven when my life is playing before my eyes.....towards this end of my life I am sure there are many, many times the Lord is carrying me until I can stand on my own. Tuesday will be another day he carries me, safely tucked into His loving arms He will keep me safe as I take this step to better my health. I am so thankful and so Blessed. Thank you Jesus! Praise God!

Thanksgiving Reflection

I'm spending the week down at my country home to prepare for Thanksgiving. I love my country home, it's not fancy or polished and it's not decorated with great riches but rather other people's stuff that they gave to various thrift stores in exchange for the new stuff they are replacing it with. Some people would look down on that and think it's tacky to be using someone else's recycled hand-me-downs but not me I am tickled to death with the treasures I find and the inexpensive prices I pay. My country home is a peaceful place, a place that I come to so I can be rejuvenated, a place that inspires me to recapture the person I use to be and to surrender the suspicious and untrusting persona that has taken over my body as a result of too many hurts. Here there is no looking over my shoulders in a need to protect my brod, here I can rest, here I can pick up my bible and spend quite time with God or walk with him while we enjoy the beauty and nature that has been so long forgotten in the concrete jungle of the city where I live.

I am putting up pictures and adding character and charm in hopes that the holiday visitors will find peace and relaxation while visiting the way I do and for just alittle while they too can forget the business of the city. It's an odd thing I realize as I go about my decorations that this person inside of me that emerges while I'm here is the young girl who looked at the world with a giving heart and a trusting hand without the slightest suspicion of the hurt and pain that changed me into the person I am now. For the first time in a long time I feel unpressured, I feel less afraid, and I'm not angry instead I am happy and my heart is open and I long to be involved with life and people when before this last year I kept at arm's length in fear of being hurt or taken advantage of. Here I long to be the wife my husband deserves to have, the mother that my children remember from days gone by and the friend that use to open my house and home to the people I love and encourage relationships that I thought I could no longer have because of the fear I felt when I worried I would get hurt again. It's hard to believe that a change of residence can lift so much burden off a person but in truth it is God working with me through the distance that I am able to put between myself and my family from the bitter sadnesses that are associated with memories of our pasts in the cold, hard city. I am so thankful to God for putting us in the right place at the right time and helping us believe that it would all work out even though we couldn't afford the cost of keeping up two houses. Now looking back a year ago to when we were excited but scared when we purchased this place, I know that it was the right thing to do and in time the old house will sell and we will be here permanently and the feelings of the past will be left behind in the city we no longer call home.

This and that....

Today Bobby, my beloved turned 44 yrs. old. Jeff wanted to take Bobby out today for dinner but he didn't feel like going so instead we had white castles...oh boy what a wonderful birthday meal...lol I did take him to TGIFridays for his birthday friday night and it was soo good! After that we drove down to the house for the weekend but we didn't spend much time there. Saturday morning we took off for Bowling Green to go to the flea markets and Sunday we drove around scouting out some other ones not to far away...in all we put over 437 miles on the truck. Phew!

We found this wonderful lake that I'm sure now that we know where it's at we will be hanging out there some next summer and its not to far from the house either! Here's some pics click on the pic to see the rest:
by bakersbazaar

Tomorrow is my day I go in for my nutritional class and my pyschological evaluation, the later one scares me to death so I think I'll just let one of my multiple personalities take over for me....lol just joking there's no one in this head but me and if there was I'm sure by now they'd all have run off trying to escape me! Once this procedure is over with I will be scheduled with the doctor to set up an appointment for surgery. Yeah!!

Pet Peeves, Trust, and my thoughts on it all.

My blog today was going to be about the fish that Bobby caught last weekend but since I have "alltimers" desease I had forgotten I already posted that story on another page of my blog...you can view by going here---> And yes I know I mispelled "Alzheimers" but in my case since I am still young or young by older people's standards I call it "alltimers" because memory loss can hit ya at all times of your life;)

Anyway, I have to talk about my chat I had last night because it is one of my pet peeves.... My IM name as many of you know is "Kellibabe1" which as I am accustomed leads to all sorts of sexually charged IMs in hopes that I am the "babe" of some man's sexual fantasy. I have dealt with this my whole internet life since I refuse to change my name...it was my childhood name and it stuck with me. Over time I have dealt with this in many ways such as being invisible at all times, stating in my profile not to im me for cybersex, to even answering the im's and then talking about God because that usually scares them off. Well awhile back I chatted with a christian guy I met on an advice board who I had shared similar life experiences with, we added each other and emailed ocassionally and then that was really the end of my chatting with him until last night. Let me just note that if you, the reader happen to be the guy in question and I misinpreted(sp?) your intentions I do apologize but you are just a platform used to state my pet peeve.

Generally a chat starts out with the cordialities of, "how are you", "whatcha doing", etc... then it will eventually lead into some comment that will start the topic leading towards the intended conversation. In this case I knew the man had martial issues so of course I asked how the marriage was going which lead to the comment that he hadn't had any sex lately....in all fairness this guy was truly stating that the marriage had still not proceeded any further and they were still tettering on the problem of sex and his patience. I have to admit that when the word "sex" is entered into the conversation a red flag immediately goes up in my head and I go into defense mode. Ladies let me tell you when that word enters into conversation on chat be prepared that at some point this talk will no doubt turn into a cybersex chat!! So defense mode activated I immediately retailate with what I think their problem is and how he needs to fix it....the poor guy if he was just chatting with me really got a earful on how he needs to be more patient and if its a trust issue he isn't ever going to gain her trust by being on the internet chatting with ladies....etc....lol Actually in regards to fixing a relationship that was broken by internet pornagraphy, infedilities, and general disregard for one's marriage doesn't it just make sense to anyone that you cannot even begun to gain trust in your marriage again if the problem is still sitting in the room? I mean granted the computer can be used for many things, God knows that He can reach millions with this wonderful internet and it brings people together who would never have had an opportunity to meet otherwise, and the world of information is so great on the 'net it makes you wonder how we ever lived without it before. BUT... as the Bible says.... If your eye offends thee then pluck it out...I am paraphrasing here since I don't have the exact verse at hand... should that not apply to those things which even though may be helpful can be much more harmful in our lives? You cannot build trust in a broken marriage by keeping the very thing that causes you to "cheat" in the marriage with you....you would not keep a lover in your house if you were trying to save your marriage would you? The power of pornagraphy on the net is so strong, it pops up everywhere no matter if you are looking for it or not.

Ok, I know that I don't know everything so please forgive me for acting like I do its just that sometimes people don't think. I'm not saying that a person should totally get rid of the computer or even the internet but there are filters out there and christian web browsers. This is not what bothered me though....it was the fact that it was 12:30 in the am and he was talking to me, a woman that bothered me. If I were in her shoes and my husband was on the net late at night talking to a woman I could not develop trust with him. If I were his wife and he was on the net talking with women about the fact that I have not been intimate with him because of trust issues I would not be trusting him anytime soon. Trust comes in all forms and it is not given it is earned, if you expect it to be given just on your word and your past is not worthy of trust then you cannot expect it to be given on word alone. The first area of trust would be that they both made a commitment to not talk about their marital relationship with anyone other than a counselor. The second area of trust would be that the only time either of them spent on the computer on the net is while the other is in the room and could view what was being typed...this is how to build trust. Another thing that gets me...people are not stupid, come on there are many programs out there that one can put on a computer to log every single word that is typed so that the person can see and know what is being said. What if one of those programs are intact and this man is telling someone else that his marriage lasks sex, why would she ever trust him???? If you want her trust you need to really, really try! But to be all out honest here, she should not be witholding sex as a means to punish him because in witholding sex she is pushing him to do exactly what caused the problem to begin with.

So theres another issue that drives me crazy!!! Ladies how do you expect your man to be satisfied if you won't be there for him....it is your job, it is in the Bible, and in truth your marriage can only get stronger by coming together in a loving situation, giving yourself to one another. Love isn't just a feeling its a choice, you choose to love someone and you can choose not to love them by changing your mind. You have the power all in your head to make you feel the way that you do....if you are constantly downing someone in your head eventually you are going to believe it, your mind is a powerful thing that the devil uses, God says not to listen to our own selves...ok so your not a christan forget the devil stuff using your brain, the truth is your brain is your strongest alli(sp?) because you don't trust anyone as much as your trust yourself right? I'm sorry I just don't aggree because you can talk yourself into or out of anything and you know what I mean because we've all done it before. So like I said you choose to love by talking yourself into these feelings and then since the brain is the process center for all of your body, it tells your heart what to feel. So back to the withholding issue...if you tell yourself you love your man then you should commit to him, the feelings will feel good and the thoughts will confirm your love and you continue this cycle until you feel that trust, the love...etc...

So I guess ya'll think I'm crazy huh? Well, I really didn't get on the actually pet peeve I meant to talk about but heck I still wrote a book so I guess I'll shut up for now. Anyway Bobby is home and I try not to be on the computer when he is home. I love my Bobby:) Take care, God Bless, and peace out!

Kellie