I'm a blog-aholic!

I have a confession to make....I'm a blog-aholic. It's not that I intended to have more than one blog but then as I joined one message board and then another and those places had blogs I started a blog on each of those websites as well.....sigh....

Of course "The Whatever File" is my true blog, it has ballooned into more like a website with a page here and there...course they label them as blogs too but I connected them together to make one blog. Heck I dunno if anyone even reads this one but its personal and I've had it for quite awhile now. It's getting to be a pain in the butt posting the same thing on each blog so I usually start with a paragraph and then a link to the rest of the story.

So tonight was the premier of Private Practice, the Grey's Anatomy spinoff...not bad but I am sure it will take more time to get me really interested even though I am a die hard Grey's fan. Speaking of Grey's it premiers tomorrow and I cannot wait!

Things seem to be moving right along here and I have got almost all of my medicals done and will be able to turn in all that and my paperwork for a RNY-GB...I sure hope it won't take long since I've got everything they need done with the exception of the psyhc eval and the nutrition classes and they do those. The one thing that isn't moving right along right now is me, my cellulitis is back and it's worse than when I was in the hospital but absent of the Lymphodema - Thank God! It's been a terrible few days but I do believe I am getting better....sigh.... Well I am sleeping so I am going to bed. Peace out!

My sad moments......

I was on you tube tonight looking at a video of a laproscopic gastric bypass. After I watched it I start looking at all of the other surgery type videos and came across this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmvJ4sFxz54&mode=related&search= don't click on that yet til you know what it is. This is a video of one girl's story about having spine surgery to correct scoliosis.

Sometimes I do think it's good to see what someone else has gone through before a person goes through the same thing themselves because it does prepare you. I cried watching this video because I know Sierra is going to have to go through this soon and its going to be so hard for her. I thought open heart surgery was bad but this is real bad, its not like open heart surgery where she went back to school in 6 wks. It's an entire lifestyle change, its something that just won't heal in a short amount of time it will take 6 to 8 mos. to heal. This girl in the story had surgery 4 mos. ago and is still out of school. My heart hurts for Sierra, I want to cry just thinking of the suffering she will have to go through. I also want to prepare her but yet I don't want to scare her.

I know that alot of non-believers would wonder why does she have to suffer so much and blame God. I don't understand why she has to suffer so much but I know it's not God's wishes for her to suffer, on the contrary God wants to show us a miracle and I know that He has showed us miracles over and over again in our lives. I am thankful for those miracles..... some people go through life in such a hurry or with such unbelief that they never see a miracle but if you slow down and take the time to look you will see miracles happening all around you. I do know that God will get us through this just like He always has but I also know it's alright to be afraid and sad because someone I love has to suffer through something like this.

A good day!

I went to see Dr. Davis today and he said my aneurysm is now offically gone! Yay! He did say though that my spleen is not functioning like anticipated so I will continue to hurt alittle off and on as it dies off. I don't have to go back to see him or Dr. Godshall again unless I need to so that is a positive thing.

The reason it was such a good day is I have lost another 3lbs. for a total loss of 15lbs. since I have been in the hospital. I haven't been able to loose in so long!

Yay Me;)

confession time

I was writing an email to a friend I have met on a weight loss board I am on and it got me to thinking how I have prisoned myself off from everyone. It seems like the fatter I get and the sicker I become I close myself off. I feel bad that all the friends I use to have I don't really have anymore because I don't keep in touch because I don't want them to see me this way. Its a sad thing to realize that I have done this, I have pushed everyone away from me and this once vibrant woman spent 9 days in a hospital with only her family to visit her.

So I wonder when I die would there be anyone at my funeral? Or would my family look around and feel sorry for me knowing that I have sheltered myself so much so that no one cares about me anymore save for them? The sad part is I can remember when I was much younger how sad I felt for my mom and stepdad that they didn't have friends to hang out with, friends who came over to play cards, friends who called just to see how they were doing...etc... And yet here I am now. I think this sheltering didn't start with my fat but after my marriage to the child molestor, nobody liked him so I stopped seeing my friends and then even if I wanted to see my friends I would never have left him alone because in the back of my mind I knew while I was out he'd be cheating on me because that is what he did. Then after we seperated I didn't want people to see how mentally unstable I was because of what he did, I didn't want people to feel sorry for us either so back into my little corner I went afraid, afraid of what? I dunno. Then I got fatter and fatter and I became sick and I have been so sick for so long, then there was just nothing interesting about me....what could I even talk about or bring to a friendship? Talk about my sicknesses? Talk about being disabled and sitting around the house all day? I mean really what did I have to offer? Nothing thats what!

I know that Theresa who is still my friend who loves me enough to enjoy our little email friendship knowing that is all I have to offer well especially since she lives in Virginia...hehe I know she will holler at me for writing this but it is true and if I don't say it then all I am doing is hiding, at least if I say it...its out there in black and white and maybe seeing it will make me become a different or better person....it all starts with a step doesn't it? Well, I guess this is my first step.

Well, I had the Splenic artery Aneurysm taken care of through an abdominal angiogram this past Thursday and I came home from the hospital Friday. Thursday was a horrible day, I didn't think a person could stand so much pain but with God by my side I made it through. Friday I felt great so they let me go home and since then I have spent most of the weekend in bed. My feeling great day was just an illusion because I have felt horrible since that day. If it wasn't for good pain killers and sleep I'd surely be back in the hospital.

Hubby called the doctor last night and he said unless my pain was over a "10" there would be no sense in going to the hospital because all they would do is watch me...which makes sense. The problem I have is how am I suppose to know what a "10" is, is it his "10" that he's talking about or is there this general concensious what a "10" should feel like? I threw up a few times yesterday and am unable to eat but its a good thing that I have some phenagran on hand or I'd not be able to stand it. So is a "10" without medicine or with it? I cannot imagine it without it because even with medicine it hurts just to breathe. Oh well, tomorrow I go back to the doctor so I guess I will just sleep until then. I did get up and take a shower, drank some sprite, and took my meds so as I wait for them to kick in I thought I'd take some time and write.

They say this was a major surgery even though I was not opened up, it lasted 4 hrs. and they put 23 coils in the aneurysm to hold it...the doctor thinks that the reason I have so much pain is that the spleen is slowly starting to die off now. Splenic Artery Aneurysm is a very rare thing, I've been searching the internet to find info but there is not alot out there. The only reason mine was found is because they were looking for something else on a cat scan. If you ever suffer from left side abdomen pain please have it checked out....if the aneurysm burst before it was repair a person could bleed to death in a very short amount of time. I am so thankful that they found it.

According to what I have learned a Splenic Artery Aneurysm only affects about 1% of the worlds population and women are at greater risk than men are. In most cases finding the aneurysm before it burst is considered an incidental finding, where it is found only when a doctor is doing a cat scan to find something else and happens upon the aneurysm. Because the spleen holds such large amounts of blood people die fairly quickly if it ruptures before it is treated. So you can see why I would thank God for this because had it not been for other things there is no telling how long I would have gone on this way or whether it would have ruptured or something. I have been so blessed to see so many miracles in my life and this is one of them!