Pet Peeves, Trust, and my thoughts on it all.

My blog today was going to be about the fish that Bobby caught last weekend but since I have "alltimers" desease I had forgotten I already posted that story on another page of my blog...you can view by going here---> And yes I know I mispelled "Alzheimers" but in my case since I am still young or young by older people's standards I call it "alltimers" because memory loss can hit ya at all times of your life;)

Anyway, I have to talk about my chat I had last night because it is one of my pet peeves.... My IM name as many of you know is "Kellibabe1" which as I am accustomed leads to all sorts of sexually charged IMs in hopes that I am the "babe" of some man's sexual fantasy. I have dealt with this my whole internet life since I refuse to change my name...it was my childhood name and it stuck with me. Over time I have dealt with this in many ways such as being invisible at all times, stating in my profile not to im me for cybersex, to even answering the im's and then talking about God because that usually scares them off. Well awhile back I chatted with a christian guy I met on an advice board who I had shared similar life experiences with, we added each other and emailed ocassionally and then that was really the end of my chatting with him until last night. Let me just note that if you, the reader happen to be the guy in question and I misinpreted(sp?) your intentions I do apologize but you are just a platform used to state my pet peeve.

Generally a chat starts out with the cordialities of, "how are you", "whatcha doing", etc... then it will eventually lead into some comment that will start the topic leading towards the intended conversation. In this case I knew the man had martial issues so of course I asked how the marriage was going which lead to the comment that he hadn't had any sex lately....in all fairness this guy was truly stating that the marriage had still not proceeded any further and they were still tettering on the problem of sex and his patience. I have to admit that when the word "sex" is entered into the conversation a red flag immediately goes up in my head and I go into defense mode. Ladies let me tell you when that word enters into conversation on chat be prepared that at some point this talk will no doubt turn into a cybersex chat!! So defense mode activated I immediately retailate with what I think their problem is and how he needs to fix it....the poor guy if he was just chatting with me really got a earful on how he needs to be more patient and if its a trust issue he isn't ever going to gain her trust by being on the internet chatting with ladies....etc....lol Actually in regards to fixing a relationship that was broken by internet pornagraphy, infedilities, and general disregard for one's marriage doesn't it just make sense to anyone that you cannot even begun to gain trust in your marriage again if the problem is still sitting in the room? I mean granted the computer can be used for many things, God knows that He can reach millions with this wonderful internet and it brings people together who would never have had an opportunity to meet otherwise, and the world of information is so great on the 'net it makes you wonder how we ever lived without it before. BUT... as the Bible says.... If your eye offends thee then pluck it out...I am paraphrasing here since I don't have the exact verse at hand... should that not apply to those things which even though may be helpful can be much more harmful in our lives? You cannot build trust in a broken marriage by keeping the very thing that causes you to "cheat" in the marriage with you....you would not keep a lover in your house if you were trying to save your marriage would you? The power of pornagraphy on the net is so strong, it pops up everywhere no matter if you are looking for it or not.

Ok, I know that I don't know everything so please forgive me for acting like I do its just that sometimes people don't think. I'm not saying that a person should totally get rid of the computer or even the internet but there are filters out there and christian web browsers. This is not what bothered me though....it was the fact that it was 12:30 in the am and he was talking to me, a woman that bothered me. If I were in her shoes and my husband was on the net late at night talking to a woman I could not develop trust with him. If I were his wife and he was on the net talking with women about the fact that I have not been intimate with him because of trust issues I would not be trusting him anytime soon. Trust comes in all forms and it is not given it is earned, if you expect it to be given just on your word and your past is not worthy of trust then you cannot expect it to be given on word alone. The first area of trust would be that they both made a commitment to not talk about their marital relationship with anyone other than a counselor. The second area of trust would be that the only time either of them spent on the computer on the net is while the other is in the room and could view what was being typed...this is how to build trust. Another thing that gets me...people are not stupid, come on there are many programs out there that one can put on a computer to log every single word that is typed so that the person can see and know what is being said. What if one of those programs are intact and this man is telling someone else that his marriage lasks sex, why would she ever trust him???? If you want her trust you need to really, really try! But to be all out honest here, she should not be witholding sex as a means to punish him because in witholding sex she is pushing him to do exactly what caused the problem to begin with.

So theres another issue that drives me crazy!!! Ladies how do you expect your man to be satisfied if you won't be there for him....it is your job, it is in the Bible, and in truth your marriage can only get stronger by coming together in a loving situation, giving yourself to one another. Love isn't just a feeling its a choice, you choose to love someone and you can choose not to love them by changing your mind. You have the power all in your head to make you feel the way that you do....if you are constantly downing someone in your head eventually you are going to believe it, your mind is a powerful thing that the devil uses, God says not to listen to our own selves...ok so your not a christan forget the devil stuff using your brain, the truth is your brain is your strongest alli(sp?) because you don't trust anyone as much as your trust yourself right? I'm sorry I just don't aggree because you can talk yourself into or out of anything and you know what I mean because we've all done it before. So like I said you choose to love by talking yourself into these feelings and then since the brain is the process center for all of your body, it tells your heart what to feel. So back to the withholding issue...if you tell yourself you love your man then you should commit to him, the feelings will feel good and the thoughts will confirm your love and you continue this cycle until you feel that trust, the love...etc...

So I guess ya'll think I'm crazy huh? Well, I really didn't get on the actually pet peeve I meant to talk about but heck I still wrote a book so I guess I'll shut up for now. Anyway Bobby is home and I try not to be on the computer when he is home. I love my Bobby:) Take care, God Bless, and peace out!

Kellie

Back home again.....

Monday June 4, 2007 - 2AM

Well here I sit after a week of no computer desperately in need of sleep but unable to close my eyes. We spent the week down at the property and oh how hard it was too leave! There's no phone, no cable, no computer, and no Leo there but for some reason I don't feel so bad when I am there. I find myself getting up earlier, going outside and enjoying the air, the sun, nature, and life something that seems to elude me back here in Louisville. Why oh why is it so different? How can a change of scenery change your life?

Monday June 4, 2007 - 9:30PM

Well that was about as far as I got this morning before I fell asleep sitting in my computer chair. I woke up at 3:30AM with my legs propped up on Sierra's bed, I hate when I do this because it always causes my legs severe pain but I do it anyway. Then I went to the recliner and slept there until about 9AM, the recliner is the one thing I truly miss while I am out in the country!

So it was another wonderful week at the property. We discovered 5 new residents of our property - a momma cat and 4 babies have taken up residence under the house. They are wild cats and won't let us near them. Whenever we come out of the house or they see us they run under the house where we can't get to them. I was also lucky enough to be graced with the presence of a mouse in the kitchen. We knew we had mice but hadn't seen any until I seen one run across the floor. Bobby set a trap and the next day the little mouse just couldn't resist the cheese and wrote his own death sentence. I felt bad that he had to die but I can't stand having poop all over everything not to mention the disease they spread around.
Bobby and Jeff really didn't do alot of work on the property last week except cut the grass and unload and put up alot of the wood we have had on our trailer. Bobby did take the time to build a new bridge and I guess Freddie will move it into place next weekend. It was just too hot to do much outside work...we did go yard saling but even that was a headache, I was heat sick for the rest of weekend after that! The nicest part was sitting outside in the mornings and early evenings on the swing watching the fish and turtles swim...it is the most peaceful and relaxing experience.

Each time we are there we seem to meet more and more super nice people....people are so friendly here, everybody waves when ya drive by. A man named Freddie who lives down the road has a backhoe and we went down to find out what he would charge us to grade part of the property, uproot some trees, and get the boat out of the pond, Bobby talked to him for a real long time and he said he would stop by later to see what Bobby wanted done. Well, while we were gone he happened to stop by and went ahead a pulled the boat out of the pond!! We were so shocked to see it out of the pond when we got home that we went right down to his house to thank him and find out how much we owed him and he just laughed and said it was nothing that he hadn't even done anything yet! While we were talking to him come to find out he is the one who put the pond in originally. The old man who owned it (before the last two people) lived there for years and years until he died, he ask Freddie to put it in and then never paid him! Freddie says the shallow end which is the left side is about 10 feet deep and the deep end is around 20'ish feet.

It's a funny thing about buying a home in a small town because everyone knows everything about your property. It is so fasinating meeting people and listening to their stories about the house and the previous owners. I guess over the last couple of months we have met a man who lived there when he first got married(60 yrs. ago), the man who built the chimney, the man who laid the concrete floor in the garage, the man who bought the property from Herschel(the longest owner) and then split it up into smaller parcels and now the man who put in the pond. Though I cannot remember them by name I know that since this house was built there have been a total of 5 families who have lived here, I know that the house started out much smaller and as each person's family grew they added on more rooms. Living in Louisville unless we contracted these people personally we would mostlikely never meet the people who worked on our house! Another odd thing is to be talking to a stranger and say what area of town we bought our house and them saying to us, "oh you bought so and so's house", or "that's the house on the corner of such and such street". I guess because the house sit empty for so long and it had gotten looking so bad that people remember it. All I can say is it must of been "that eyesore on the corner" for many folks down there because they all compliment us on what a good job we are doing getting the place back in shape.

Well I guess that's it for the night I'm getting sleepy again and about ready for bed. Sierra is behind me complaining because she has a headache and we won't let her play on the computer or her game.... when will she learn these things don't help her headache? Sigh......kids;)

Night

Work on the Louisville house

Well we finally had the carpet laid and the upstairs is coming right along. What we have left to do in the bedrooms is connect the electricity, hang the ceiling fans and put up the border in Sierra's room and decide if we will put up wallpaper on the green wall in our room. Of course this is only the bedrooms, we still have to finish the floor, walls, and some of the ceiling in the hall. Finishing means we still need to paint walls and put the wood paneling we are using on the lower half. The bathroom needs to be painted as well and the stairs need to be carpeted.

I am attaching two videos one of Sierra's room and one of ours. The first one up is the master bedroom.



This next one is of Sierra's Room.



I also have pictures which you may be able to see better. If you'd like to see them click the link below.

http://picture-documentaries.blogspot.com

If a link doesn't appear please follow the link on the right hand side ------->
which will be located at the top of the right hand side below my picture called, "My picture/video page"
More to come......

Sometimes you can't make sense of things....

Sierra had a spine doctor appointment today and it was not good. We knew from her x-rays she had that she had a 25% curvature to the spine so my thoughts were just hoping they wouldn't have to put her in a brace. Well it was worse than expected...the x-rays were not a full spine xray so you couldn't really see the larger curvature so they took a full body one in the office....she has a 27% upper curvature and and 43% lower curvature... the first words out of the doctors...well the nurse practiciners mouth was, "she's got to have surgery" well this just blew me for a loop....sigh I wasn't expecting this, she wasn't expecting this, heck nobody was expecting this.

The nurse then said maybe I better talk to a doctor and they brought the doc in and he agreed so now Sierra has to have an MRI done because they need to make sure of what is going on etc... Sometimes things just don't make sense! It was bad enough that she had all the heart problems and then loosing her eyesight for awhile, then the siezures, the stroke, the thumb defect, the low motor skills and low muscle tone...etc... I remember saying I wonder how much worse can it get when we found out about the seizures. I'm a christian, I believe in God, there is just no questions that run through my mind that start with, "why God..." but there is just a "why?" question but then I know that it's not God's doings, its the devil's.... somewhere in the back of my mind I can picture God and the devil having a conversation where the devil has some scheme up his sleeve to test our faith...I'm sure its got to do with some big movie theatrics but then I see God over there smoothing it over, I believe that behind the scenes what we don't see is what is horrible actually isn't as bad as the devil had planned it because God intervened. I believe that no matter how bad it looks from our end what we aren't seeing is the damage that was overted because God changed something for the better. I have to believe this and I know this because I know that the devil cannot stand the rock hard faith Sierra has in God.

She makes me stronger and more faithful and I hope she does everyone else who is hurting over this latest news because, she is such an example. She showed me today that it doesn't do any good to focus on the big thing but to tackle the small things first... in her mind it was more upsetting that she would have to forego eating for 8 hrs. in order to have this MRI then the fact that she would have to have surgery. Was she upset? yes but she focused on tackling the smaller problem first...maybe this is how we get through, one thing at a time, one day at a time.

Life happenings.........

It's terrible to say but I just haven't been updating lately....we have been spending so much time at the farm that I just haven't logged on and posted my blogs. I have wrote them and they have been stored on my laptop but only now have I been able to update it and put it on my main computer so here goes.

April 1st 2007

Today is April Fool’s Day but I feel anything but foolish. Another weekend spent on the farm, each day bringing us closer to a decision to move for good. We feel such peacefulness here, even working on the place doesn’t bring us down but it brings us happiness knowing we are doing something that we’ve longed to do for so long. It’s exciting to walk the property everyday and find another new plant, flower, or tree we hadn’t seen before. Spring is causing everything to bloom and each day there is a new color blooming on our horizon.

Yesterday we went over to Shelbyville and bought some White Grass Carp, Catfish, and Bluegill to put in the pond. Fisheries usually go around to different places once a month offering their fish for sale. This one in particular was pretty cheap compared to the others so we decide to buy from him. It was a long drive back though and hardly any of the bluegill lived. Bobby released all of them into the pond and they headed off for deeper waters. I guess we will do this again next month in an effort to get this pond stocked. Last weekend I was down at the pond and seen several fish so I know that we do have some in there already. We also have frogs but I haven’t seen any turtles yet guess I will have to go adopt a couple and put them in the pond.

One of our neighbors came by yesterday and tried to pull the ugly boat out of the pond. Oh have I mentioned the ugly boat we had in there before? The people who owned this place before us basically polluted the pond because there is so much crap in it. We are slowly pulling things out, cutting down cattails, and just cleaning it up but it’s one heck of a job! The ugly boat is sticking out on one end of the pond, it looks like its about an 18 footer or so. I wouldn’t have figured it to be that big until he started pulling it out but every time he’d pull it out he’d get stuck and it would go back in. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out there is a motor on the other end causing it to be so heavy. There are cattails inside the boat and a whole bunch of metal, maybe they didn’t intend for the boat to come out…I guess some people might find it neat for decoration….lol but I am not one of them. The people also had a deck on one end and some pool steps so I guess they swam in this pond but again I am not one of them who would ever swim in this water or any pond water for that matter!! I remember when I was a little girl I went camping with my best friend, Tina up to Butler State Park. They had a big lake there and had part of it partitioned off so you could swim. Well, I decided to go for a swim with Tina and started itching all over so I came back out of the water…I was covered in hives…so that pretty much ended my lake and pond swimming days!

It has rained both nights we have been here but when we get up in the morning the sun is shining so brightly…I wouldn’t have known it even rained had it not been for Bobby telling me. It’s funny how soundly I sleep her but yet at home I am up all hours of the night. I also sleep plenty of the day away at home but here, I find I am not depressed and I want to be up and enjoying the sun. Last weekend on our trip back home we seen a two seat swing that someone was throwing out for trash other than it being a little worn and the top cover ripped there was nothing wrong with it. So Bobby took the top off and put it on the trailer to bring back down here this weekend which he did. I had him sit it right out in the back not too far from the pond and I’ve already been out there enjoying the sun twice this weekend…even being sick with this cold I have hasn’t depressed me so to keep me from enjoying the beauty of the land.

It’s funny to think a change of scenery can change your whole way of life, how you feel and what you want out of that life. When you find you are at peace the things that seemed so important to you somehow fade in comparison. I’m an internet junkie, I sit at the computer all day if I am not asleep…sometimes I literally am just sitting…nothing to do, no one to talk to or even no interest in talking to anyone, just sitting. Here, I don’t miss the internet…yeah it would be nice to log on but being outside seems like a nicer thought…here I am not watching the world pass me by. At home I could go the whole weekend without so much as getting out of my pj’s, brushing my hair, or teeth, or even stepping out my door. No one would know I was there, I wouldn’t answer the phone if I didn’t feel like it and the only ones who would see me would be my family when they came in. This is the secret life I live at home, or rather the life I am not living. This is the secret life I don’t want any longer and I feel so upset sometime thinking that if I don’t make a change I will die in this life. I cried a couple weeks ago telling this to Bobby, I don’t think he realized how serious it was but it’s serious. This is why I so desperately need this change of scenery!!

May 6th, 2007

Wow, its been a whole month since I wrote anything. As usual we have spent every waking moment down on the farm trying to get it in shape. Almost all of those ugly cattails are gone now but the boat is still sticking its bow out of the water...waiting for a day when the ground finally dries out enough to try getting it out. Even though the boat is still there you can see a significant change, here is some before and after photos:


We have added fish to the pond twice now though in small amounts. Fortunately, with the days getting warmer the fish are starting to come out and we have seen so many fish and not just small fish either, we've seen 2ft. + sized largemouth bass and channel catfish. Even with the pond beginning to look good it seems there is still so much more to do with it. After cutting the cattails down the water is completely level with the ground and on the high side of the pond after it rained last night the water actually came up on the land but it is back down again today. It doesn't take long for cattails to grow again either as we have found out since they are about a foot or so tall again but at least they are green now and not that drab dead brown color. We are hoping in the next month or so to be able to line the pond with large gravel and nice pretty boulders, I think it will make the whole thing look much better plus will help keep the water from overflowing.

Sierra and I spent Friday night here but Bobby and Jeff went back home to Louisville to pick up some wood so they stayed the night. It was nice to spend some quality mother/daughter time together. Saturday, Bobby was driving down and happened to spy a turtle on the side of the road obviously in an attempt to commit suicide so he turned around and went back to get her. Yes, Bobby has been trained in turtle suiside intervention so he saved her right before a gruesome death. LOL He brought her home to me and I inspected her which is how I know it was a her and she actually looks great. She is about 7 or 8" in size and felt like she weighed about 3 or 4 pounds. So I took her down to the pond and released her on the island, it took some nudging but she finally jumped in the water. She played for quite awhile before disappearing to explore her new world but she seemed happy. This morning we were walking around the pond and spied her again, she stuck that head up as if to let us know she was ok. After that we discovered a baby turtle sitting on some pond scum in the deep end of the pond it was about the size of a quarter. Jeff had seen it last week but we just thought he was seeing things so we had to give it to him for actually being right for a change...hehe Of course since I love turtles anyway this just tickles me to death especially after not having my tortoises anymore. Both turtles we found are redeared sliders.

It is Sunday night here and things are winding down, the guys are trying to tear down the rest of the shed to put in the dumpster so I can call the city tomorrow and have it picked up. They will all be going home tonight but I am going to stay another night so that I can be here in the morning for the water company. We are finally going to get the water hooked up and God willing everything will work the way it is suppose too....it will be nice to have a real bathroom that has a flushing toilet and a shower to be able to take a shower in. I will probably finish painting Sierra's room and do some other stuff to get this place looking better. We are looking forward to having our families down here for the first time next week end so we are really excited.