Learning to live alone again.

Learning to live alone again isn't easy but the hard part really is learning to live with yourself. You are in a relationship and you think, "I just can't live with this person anymore!" but then when you no longer live with them you still have to deal with the person you are.

I'm not saying I am or your are a bad person what I am saying is that once you are really alone, you still have your thoughts to deal with. Instead of someone else there to help you make decisions you have to make your own decisions. Instead of another person filling up your void, you are left with an empty space that your thoughts often occupy. Sometimes being alone with yourself can be painful but in time the reflection that you will have on your past, present, and the thoughts of where you want your future to go will tell you so much about yourself. You will also learn what it is to be lonely and even though loneliness is sometimes heart wrenching giving into the loneliness will only delay your path to a newer, more aware you. These are my thoughts, what I tell myself as I sit quietly by the pond. I fight the loneliness I feel with my thoughts of reassurance that all will work out for the best in time. I know that God is there watching over me and He always takes care of me. I get bored and I realize that there is more to life than sitting here by the pond or in front of my computer. I want more out of life! As I continue to get healthy, (though one might not know that for my recent bout of b12 deficiency) I long for something more meaningful. I want to do stuff, I want to find out what it is that makes me happy, I want to know that somehow, someway I can be of value to society. I want to live!

The funny thing is that it seems as I move one step forward I take two steps back. My recent tiredness over my b12 deficiency has reminded me so loudly that I am still not as healthy as I need to be...that horrible word, "disabled" still rings in my ears though I don't want to hear it. Yesterday the a/c went out on my truck and my first thought was, "what can I do about this? I'm just a woman." Then today the a/c froze up on the house so I had to turn it off and let it thaw...I don't know why these things are happening unless it's just the devil's way of making me feel insecure and trying to make me believe that I cannot take care of my life and that of my child. The truth is, I am poor, I have no money, and I have no knowledge of the workings of these things but I do know that we will be alright, we always have been, and we will continue to be in the future. As always I know and rely on the fact that my God will provide. He is constant and true.

Yes, learning to live alone is hard and becoming the person you need to be on your own is even harder but what we learn in the interim will guide us through all the dark storms and all the worries and in the end we will become stronger for it.

Daily ramblings

As life would have it I am now living the hair disaster. If you don't know what I mean be sure to check out this video:
Now to be honest I couldn't take the pain and suffering of a whole week with my hair looking multi-colored so I did dye it again. It is at least one color now..lol

I just got back from my 4 mile walk and did my 60 crunches so I am off to take a shower in a bit but I just felt the need to write some. I got on the scale last night and weighed in at 183 lbs. YEAH! that is a total loss of 129 lbs. for me so far and I am estactic. Now I have to admit I got on the scales today and I weighed in at 186 lbs.....awe such is life or my life anyway. See I tend to do that I will lose and then I will flip flop for about 3 wks. between 2 weights my former weight and my new weight and then I will see a new weight and the cycle will start all over again, interesting huh? Walking on Sundays is not good in the country because nobody is at work, daggone it the whole way there was nothing but cars interrupting my path and view..so frustrating! So last night was a blue night for me, I sat down and filled out the legal separation papers that Bobby and I have discussed. How is it you can take 6 yrs. of marriage and break it down so easily into 3 pages of neat, typed court documents that are so impersonal? This is something that I will never understand since marriage and life for that matter is such a personal thing. Even worse yet is that I haven't told him that I got the paperwork together even though he is the one who said we needed to do this. Life is an interesting turn of events to say the least. I admit I am terrible at dragging my feet not willing to hurt someone else even at the sake of my own hurt. The truth is though, we are two different people on separate paths that no longer intertwine, we want different things out of life, things that the other cannot or will not provide or participate in. It's really sad you know?

Well guess that is all I have to say for now, Ike is beginning to push lots of wind our way and I want to get my shower over before it begins to rain so I guess I will put an end to this for now. You all have a wonderful day.

Peace out!

Finally a date for Sierra's Surgery

Well we officially have a date for surgery. She will be having 2 surgeries instead of one because her back is so curved to one side they will need to go into the front and then again into her back to put the rod in her back. She will be having the first surgery on April 28th and the 2nd one will be on May 5th. Due to the length between surgeries she will probably be in the hospital for 2 weeks or longer and she will be at Kosair.

She went to Dr. Boone's(cardiologist) office today to do a check up prior to surgery and he said her heart was doing great so this is one last thing to think about. She also got her braces off today which was the highlight of her day! This isn't something I want to see happen, I wish I could change it somehow take it all away so she never had to go through surgery again but its not in my hands but in God's. I am terrified but yet I know that God has always taken care of her.....somehow we will get through this. It's a time such as this that I find myself taking stock of my life and praying that what terrible things I have done He will forgive me for so that it doesn't cause her to have a bad time of it. Yet, I also know that it doesn't work that way and I guess my wrongs don't cause her life to be in turmoil but I am only human and cannot help think that way!

She is very adamant about her desire to go down to our future home and stay during her recovery...actually it wouldn't be just for her recovery I would imagine her and I would just go ahead and move but I fear being so far away from Kosair so I dunno what to do. I cannot see her going down there until she is at least on the mend but we will just wait and see. Of course this means she has less than 3 wks left of school now so she is always excited to get out of school..haha

Well that's it for now I will write more later. Take care! Kellie

Time seems to always being flying by!

I am such a slacker! I need to update this more but I seem to have too many projects going at once and never enough time to tend to them all....somewhere something is always getting left out of the loop as is the case with my blog.

So what's been up? I've been spending alot of time on my youtube videos for one thing, I also started another blog which seems to be woefully lacking in my attention, and then of course theres life. Life is good I'd say. Lucy is almost 2 months old and doing great and her parents have decided to make it official. On Saturday March 15, 2008 John Daniel and Tori will be getting married in a very small ceremony. I know they wanted to do it big but now isn't the time and they felt like it was more important to get married instead...I agree. It's hard to believe that my son is old enough to get married, let alone have a child but he is. He recently found him a good job and I hope that he truly loves it. They are good parents and I am so proud of both of them. I am not the best of granny so far as I have been sick and not spent much time with Lucy. I need to take her for a day and give them some alone time but my gosh it's been so long since I took care of a babykins that I worry about that.

Sierra goes to her spine doctor next week and we plan on him setting a date for surgery for April. She has to get it done now so that she won't be starting in a new school next year late...I don't want that for her because it makes it harder to start off late in the year in a new school. She has been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and has lost 2 additional pounds for a total of 12lbs. gone so far. She is beginning to have a shapely figure and is happy with that. The therapy will help to make the rest of her muscles stronger while she will not be able to rely on her back muscles during recovery. I know that this is something she doesn't want to go through but I am very proud of her for stepping up to the plate and being strong about all that she will have to endure. She is a very strong girl.

I am at a total lose of 66 lbs. now and my body is really beginning to show the lose, my skin is saggy and my boobs are getting pretty flat...thank God for plastic surgery cuz I am going to need it when I am all done:) I'm still struggling with my food and sometimes I still think I have a stricture but I am not sure. I was suppose to go to the doctor yesterday but I didn't make it. One thing that is crazy is my sleep pattern, I tend to sleep for a couple hours and then pull an all nighter...it's not that I want to but it's that I can't seem to sleep even with medicinal help.

Jeff and Todd will be 19 yrs. old on Friday and Sue will have a birthday on Saturday, the same day the kids are getting married. We are planning on getting Todd and spending a couple days with him, we have not had him since December so it will be good to have him home. Jeff and Cody broke up so he is single again and needs to find a hobby...gosh we love him but it has taken a toll on us and our alone time, I miss my time with Bobby and we are in a time where we really need to focus on our relationship because of all the changes and stress we have been under. Come July I will be in Bardstown full time and he will be in Louisville full time finishing up the house getting it ready to rent out so its crucial for us to devote some time to ourselves as the following months will be so difficult.

Well I guess that is it for now, I am making a new dish so I need to go finish it up. Please be sure to check out my new blog.... http://losingtolive.blogspot.com and also check out my 50 videos I have on youtube as well I have some pretty silly stuff up there...I guess my silly side is beginning to show now that I am not so worried about what people will think of this fat girl being silly. http://youtube.com/users/bakersbazaar

Peace Out!

Kellie